


I spy with my little eye...

by millygal



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 02:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10652631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal
Summary: Stuck in a car, what else can you do but play silly games?





	I spy with my little eye...

"I spy, with my little eye.."

"Which little eye?"

"*Snort*"

"If he can see outta **that** eye I'm sellin' him off to the fair"

"Not that little eye, you pillock"

"Why we playin' this again?"

"It's passing the time"

"No, it's pissin' me off"

"Well, it's amusing the rest of us"

"Boss?"

"Yes Chris"

"Pretty sure Ray ain't amused"

"Bonus"

"Bastard"

"Anyway...I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S"

"Snatch"

"Slit"

"Urr..slugs"

"Ok, gross, disgusting and do you **see** any gardens around here?"

"I ran outta ideas"

"What's your excuses?"

"Figured we might aswell 'ave some fun with it"

"Slight problem, no buck naked birds trotting around. Unless you can see something I can't"

"In my mind, Diana Rigg's covered in baby oil and we're dancing the horizontal tango"

"Pffrrrtt"

"What d'ya mean prfttt?"

"No offense Guv but, you ever got your 'ands on Diana Rigg, you wouldn't know what ta do with her"

"I wasn't always a shirt lifter luv"

"Don't call me luv"

"No, 'cos Ray'll get jealous"

"Ray will not, Ray'll just give him a slap"

"Will you now?"

"No Guv, sorry Guv, didn't mean it Guv"

Anyway, Chris ain't my type. Too skinny"

"Oi"

"Yea, 'cos Samantha's as butch as they come"

"Least he knows how to..."

"Gene!"

"What, was defendin' ya honour"

"Divulging my sexual techniques is **not** defending my honour"

"No, it's postin' an advert"

"You, Ray, are on the verge of early retirement if you don't hush"

"Oh come on boss, s'not like we don't know how you spend your evenin's"

"Doesn't mean I want you sods discussing it, does it?"

"Sorry boss"

"Sorry Gladys"

"Sorry Sam"

"You should be touched, Dorothy. Ray's obviously lackin' in somethin' if Chris's been imaginin' what you get up to in your spare time"

"Oh, that what it is Chris, Carling not doing it for you?"

"I never said that"

"You ain't denied it yet though 'ave you?"

"Oh for...right, Ray's a stallion, a stevedore, a bloody marvelous shag. Can we please change the subject?!"

"Hmm, what d'ya think Sammy, should we stop harassing poor ickle Christopher?"

"Dunno Guv, he's gone a lovely shade of pink"

"Rayyy"

"What?"

"You're s'posed to be defendin' me 'ere"

"Why, you didn't jump straight in when they said I was rubbish in the sack"

"Awww, Raymond's sulking"

"If you wasn't my boss, I swear..."

"What, you swear what?"

"You'd be whistlin' Dixie for a very long time"

"I'm so scared.."

"Boys, be'ave or I'll 'ave to send you to separate corners"

"What in the car? One in the trunk one on the bonnet?"

"Oh now there's an interestin' image"

"You run that thing on batteries? You're like a dog on heat"

"You love it"

"Like a hole in the head"

"No, like a hole in the arse"

"Eww, Guv I didn't need to 'ear that"

"Because you're so innocent Mr 'I shag Ray in Lost and found'"

"Wh..wha..."

"Don't think I don't know what you two are up to when you disappear for three hours every day"

"I..we, that's"

"I should dock your wages for wastin' police time"

"You should give him a raise, no wonder Ray's always in such a good mood after lunch"

"We always go to lunch first, Lucy keeps the custard special like"

"Ok, I swear, this is the last, very last time I agree to come on a bloody stake out with you three"

"Why?"

"'Cos I'll never be able to look at the canteen tapioca the same way again"

"Oh gross"

"Exactly, so thanks for the years of therapy I'll be needing"

"You needed therapy long before we got anywhere near ya"

"If he's shaggin' you, he must've done"

"I'll give you to Phyllis for a week, see what she makes of yours and Chris's little excursions to lost property"

"You wouldn't"

"Don't push me"

"Fine, no more shaggin' in the supply cupboard but that means, you can't stuff Sam under your desk durin' meetin's with the Super"

"*Choke*"

"Bu..bu..how do you..."

"Your office's surrounded by glass Guv, should be a little more careful where you stick him..."

"Oh my god"

"Aww, now who's sulkin'?"

"I'm not sulking, I'm bloody mortified"

"What, we all just figured you was singin' for ya supper"

"Fantastic, they all reckon I'm climbing the ladder by giving you blow jobs"

"Well technically..."

"If I wanted to get ahead of you, I wouldn't be sucking you off would I?"

"Well..."

"Perhaps I should see if the Super's desk's got a leg space"

"Don't you dare"

"What's wrong, don't like sharing?"

"No, I just know where he's 'ad his..."

"Ok, nasty"

"Exactly"

"Would you two shut up for Christ sake, I'll be 'avin' nightmares for weeks"

"Yes, because the images of you and Chris ragging in amongst the shelves is a picture that'll help me sleep at night"

"How did we even..."

"No clue.."

"Was his fault"

"'course it was"

"Anyway, I spy with my little eye...."

 


End file.
